The One On Children

So, I'm not going to lie, these things scare me almost more than anything in the world.  And with my new found fear of marriage, it makes the thought of children even worse.  I'm not a huge fan of children to begin with, I'm impatient and I just don't want to deal with the messes, the snotty noses, and dirty diapers.

But what scares me most is that they grow up, if they stayed little forever I might be able to deal with it but they don't.  They grow and their minds and morals are shaped by the way they are raised.  Think about it, when you have a child, you aren't just in charge of another life, but are in charge of another soul.  And it's up to you to raise and shape the soul so it won't be messed up once they are older.  That type of responsibility scares the poop out of me.

And when I look around and see teenagers, and people popping out kids, just for the heck of it, it makes me angry.  I guess in my perfect world no one would die and no one would be born, that way whoever is on the Earth is what we've got to work with...

I realize the newness of life is a beautiful thing, but that doesn't make it any less frightening.  Anyway just another ramble thanks for reading. :)

The One On Marriage.

To start this off, I want to let you all know I am not married, I'm not dating anyone.  As a matter of fact I'm really terrible at dating, but I've been thinking about marriage a lot as of late.  You see, I've always wanted to get married someday, the way marriage is portrayed in most of society is a fun and exciting thing.  I've always had this image of bliss playing out in my mind, that I marry the man of my dreams, we live a long and happy life together, and then one day when we're old and our children and grand-children have taken residence on this Earth, we fall asleep together and die in our sleep. At the exact same time on the exact same night, you know, like in The Notebook.  But that image has now crumbled at my feet and it didn't even have to be my marriage to do it.

My best friend is eleven years older than I am, we kind of became friends on accident but anyway it happened.  See she got pregnant at sixteen and married at seventeen.  At this point and time she and her husband have been married for fifteen years.  They have three great kids and a perfect marriage... or so I thought.

We've become really close friends in the last two years and so friends tell friends how they are feeling, it's just what is done.  She's been telling me how unhappy her marriage is, how she wants to leave but can't because of her children.  She says she's tried talking, they've tried taking mini vacations together.  Everything that is supposed to work to make their marriage happy again, but nothing is working...

I don't want to post all of their problems on here that's not what this is about, but it just makes me wonder, is marriage really worth it.  I grew up in a very conservative Christian home, I was taught that marriage is a noble and honorable thing, that you shouldn't have sex before you're married, and that marriage can last.  Which it obviously can, my grandparents were married for fifty-six years my parents have been married for twenty-seven.

Even though marriage can work I just feel like maybe it's not worth the hassle...  My grandparents didn't agree on a lot, my grandpa drank a lot and beat their kids, they went to church but not the same church. My aunt told me they would fight every week about which church the kids should go to.  I wonder on a regular basis if my mother is happy in her marriage.  My sister has been married twice and is single again.  My friend is so unhappy she's ready to walk away, fifteen years and three kids later.

I don't know if this is making any sense I just want to get my thoughts out.  Can two people truly be happy together for the rest of their lives?  Obviously any marriage will have problems.  But the thought of marriage terrifies me now, I don't want to be with or submit to someone who doesn't think my dreams and ambitions are as equal as his, someone who will control what I do or what I wear.  Yet at the same time I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.  So, is it worth taking that risk? Can two people fall in love and stay in love?  If not what's the point?

This is just a ramble trying to get my thoughts out so maybe I'll quit dwelling on them, thanks for reading :)